In 2017, I wrote and recorded this song, after confirming news reports of unthinkable suffering happening under the watch of our legal system, in our country, paid for by our tax dollars. My kids were 11 years old and we had been living in our mountain cabin for less than a year. The kids and I had gone door to door for Hillary in 2016, sharing donuts from a local shop, making sure folks knew where their polling station was, feeling so hopeful.
That left a mark. I have not written or recorded a song since.
This is a test
To see what feelings we have left
Are we weary of responsibility?
Children in camps
Their faces smeared, their bodies limp
This is a test of our democracy
This is a test
Of the American machine
Tune in to the huddled masses
Now, on your computer screen
Children in cages
Begging while their mothers scream
This is a test of our democracy
This is a test
Of our collective willingness
To keep our heads down
And ignore the violence
This is the end
Our taxes spent on mortal sin
This is a test of our democracy
This is a test
The salt is wet, the blood is fresh
This is only a test, only a test
This is a test
This is only a test
This is a test of our democracy
This is a test
As we sit safely in our nest
Preparing dinner for our children
As though nothing is amiss
This is a test
Asking God to bless our food
Choking down the ugly truth
Quickly turning off the news
This is a test
The salt is wet, the blood is fresh
This is only a test, only a test
This is a test
This is only a test
This is a test of our democracy
Music and Lyrics by Camille Brightsmith
Performed by Camille Brightsmith, Travis Dickerson and Lindy Dickerson
The last person I spoke to the night of the 2016 election was my dear friend Jennifer, another activist. This was before before either of us knew we had queer / trans kids in our immediate families, but long after we had marched in Pride. It was before we started hoarding Plan B, but after we had protested mass incarceration of black people. It was just a year after gay marriage had been protected by the Supreme Court…
I can’t remember if we cried while the news began to sink in: the polls had been wrong. I only remember how utterly awful and unbelieving we felt. How betrayed and shocked. Horrified. I will never forget that feeling.
It seemed impossible.
I am stuck in a loop now with that feeling, interrupting it by chopping wood and carrying water - which is a Buddhist metaphor. It means I get up and do my work each day. I pay attention to the wins and losses my kids are sharing in their 18th year. I make dinner. I feel Michael’s hand in mine, while he is asleep and sigh for the comfort of it. I laugh with my mom and dad about the fawns munching their way through the yard - “All ears” is how Poppa describes them.
But, I am still horrified. This song might be about immigrants, it might be about Gaza, it might be about the climate or the oligarchs, the point is we are failing the test.
I haven’t written any new songs since 2017, which is very strange for me. Before that I was writing and recording about 10 songs a year.
I did write drafts of two books, one of which I will be redrafting this winter, come what may. But the sorrow I’ve felt since 2016 hasn’t inspired me to use my voice to sing. I miss that.
Still, I refuse to lose hope. We won't always fail the tests.
We have solutions in the United States, brilliant, hopeful solutions to terrifying problems. We can do good. Last week I visited the National Renewable Energy Laboratory here in my hometown for a two-hour tour. It made me feel better. It renewed my energy.
It reminded me - and I want to remind you: We’ve got to keep moving. While we fight for national and global justice, we must also take responsibility for our immediate communities.
All these votes - the small elections, the school boards, the local judges, it all matters. Our communities need our votes to keep library books on the shelves, to keep health care between the patient and the doctor and to provide our schools with science and history curriculum that is real. There are so many reasons, big and small, to not give up, to keep fighting, to stand up for what is right. This is a test.
Lets renew each other’s energy:
I would love to hear one hopeful thing you have seen or done recently. It can be anything from pulling over to help a stranger change their tire, or serving up food at the soup kitchen or checking on your ex in Florida after the hurricanes. Keep doing those things.
Then, go vote for amazing local politicians and against fascism.
I won’t be publishing for the next few weeks. Next weekend I will be in Arizona going door to door to get out the vote for Harris/Walz. Then, I’ll be alternately biting my nails to the quick, tending to my family, hiding under the covers, etc….
See you in November!
This is a Test